bruce valariani


Bruce is big into pies. He loves custom motorcycles. He has a soft cat named Sasha


Once upon a time, church bells tolled and a bustling crowd of town dwellers was cut loose. Bruce found himself quite drunken after a grand mug of gin, and tangled in the good crowd's midst. They swept him through McGarnicle Park, where his burly ribcage did strike and injure a young lass who sat herself politely by an oak tree. He did not apologize since the girl appeared unwealthy.

After church, Bruce went to the Old Country Buffet and requested a plate of pies. The chef said: "What do you mean sir?" and Bruce said, "I would like to purchase a large, over-sized platter with pies sitting on it." Then the chef said, "Sir we can't do it. If you want a slice of pie then---"

"NO." Bruce interrupted. "See you in court."

The End


Once upon a time, Bruce Valeriani was drinking pie filling from a silver goblet, when there came a knock upon his mansion's front ingress. It was a girl scout, dressed up like a girl scout. She had a skateboard and everything. Here's what happened:

"Hello, kind sire. May I interest you in some olde fashioned cookies?"

"Who are you?" Bruce asked with a pie filling moustache that belied his credulity.

"I'm just a stanky girl scout and I need some cash for my troupe, dude."

"WHO??" Bruce inquired.

"A girl scout, sir. Shirley Martin is my name if that's what you're after."

Bruce told the girl to step inside and to stand upon his priceless bear skin rug, but NOT before she washed her feet in a fancy bucket he kept handy for this purpose. She obliged, then Bruce asked...

"Young girl, now that you're perched cleanly upon my antique rug, are you quite comfortable?"

"Indeed, sir" was her response.

"Good then. Try this in your hair."

Bruce poured pie filling into her hair and then he said....

"Why did you ruin my bear rug? See you in court."

The End


Once upon a time, Bruce went shopping for a beach radio at Circuit City. The salesmen were very helpful, but Bruce was dissatisfied for some reason. When he got home, he locked himself inside his elegant study and composed the following letter addressed to corporate headquarters:

"Dear Senior Management of Circuit City,

I visited your Ontario business unit last eve and was appalled by the service I received. When I told the salesmen what I wanted, they grabbed my wrists and led me through a warehouse labyrinth and down a flight of stairs that was clearly restricted to authorized personnel. They sat me on a plank of cedar and began stuffing feathers in my pockets. Then they slapped me softly across the face with their pony tails and performed unskillful summersaults around me. Everything seemed like it was going in slow motion. I regurgitated into my hand. After regaining my composure, I tried to leave but was coaxed inside a lucite box and transported to a wooded expanse, where I finally escaped back to my plantation.

See you in court,
Bruce Valeriani "

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