THE BRUCE VALERIANI FUN HUB
WHO HERE KNOWS
BRUCE VALERIANI? (seven
hands go up)
BRUCEY JUICE INFORMATION:
is big into pies. He loves custom motorcycles. He has a soft cat named Sasha
upon a time, church bells tolled and a bustling crowd of town dwellers was cut
loose. Bruce found himself quite drunken after a grand mug of gin, and tangled
in the good crowd's midst. They swept him through McGarnicle Park, where his
burly ribcage did strike and injure a young lass who sat herself politely by
an oak tree. He did not apologize since the girl appeared unwealthy.
After church, Bruce
went to the Old Country Buffet and requested a plate of pies. The chef said:
"What do you mean sir?" and Bruce said, "I would like to purchase
a large, over-sized platter with pies sitting on it." Then the chef said,
"Sir we can't do it. If you want a slice of pie then---"
Bruce interrupted. "See you in court."
upon a time, Bruce Valeriani was drinking pie filling from a silver goblet,
when there came a knock upon his mansion's front ingress. It was a girl scout,
dressed up like a girl scout. She had a skateboard and everything. Here's what
sire. May I interest you in some olde fashioned cookies?"
"Who are you?"
Bruce asked with a pie filling moustache that belied his credulity.
"I'm just a
stanky girl scout and I need some cash for my troupe, dude."
"A girl scout,
sir. Shirley Martin is my name if that's what you're after."
Bruce told the girl
to step inside and to stand upon his priceless bear skin rug, but NOT before
she washed her feet in a fancy bucket he kept handy for this purpose. She obliged,
then Bruce asked...
now that you're perched cleanly upon my antique rug, are you quite comfortable?"
was her response.
Try this in your hair."
Bruce poured pie
filling into her hair and then he said....
"Why did you
ruin my bear rug? See you in court."
upon a time, Bruce went shopping for a beach radio at Circuit City. The salesmen
were very helpful, but Bruce was dissatisfied for some reason. When he got home,
he locked himself inside his elegant study and composed the following letter
addressed to corporate headquarters:
Management of Circuit City,
I visited your
Ontario business unit last eve and was appalled by the service I received. When
I told the salesmen what I wanted, they grabbed my wrists and led me through
a warehouse labyrinth and down a flight of stairs that was clearly restricted
to authorized personnel. They sat me on a plank of cedar and began stuffing
feathers in my pockets. Then they slapped me softly across the face with their
pony tails and performed unskillful summersaults around me. Everything seemed
like it was going in slow motion. I regurgitated into my hand. After regaining
my composure, I tried to leave but was coaxed inside a lucite box and transported
to a wooded expanse, where I finally escaped back to my plantation.
See you in court,
Bruce Valeriani "