EARLY MORNING AT A COUNTRY AUCTION

[ENTER: TWO LESBIAN SHEEP FARMERS FROM VERMONT NAMED PEGGY AND CATHERINE.]

PEGGY: "This is gonna be fun! I hope we can find some old tins for the kitchen."

CATHERINE: "Shhh! They're about to start the auction."

AUCTIONEER: "Welcome-ladies-and-gentlemen, LET'S get-started-right-away!"

PEGGY: "I love how fast he talks!"

AUCTIONEER: "FIRST item-up-fa-bid -- It's a BEAUTiful hand-carved-fruit-bowl FROM the turn-o'-the-century. LET'S start-the-bidding-at 25 dolla."

PEGGY: "Would your sister like that?"

CATHERINE: "She might. Do you think we--"

AUCTIONEER: "DO I-have-25 dolla?, 25, 25, YEP-do-i-hear-30, YEP, going-once-for 30, going twice..... SOLD to-the-Jap-with-the-snaggly-teeth."

PEGGY: "Oh shoot, we missed it. Gosh, the auctioneer sure talks fast!"

CATHERINE: "I know! It's neat but hard to understand."

AUCTIONEER: "NEXT item-up-fa-bid-- THIS ivory-rolling-pin-reminds-me-of-my-stepson's soft-white-legs. What-a-my BID? fifty, fifty, do-I-hear-a-nifty-fifty?"

PEGGY: "Wait... what did he say about his stepson?"

CATHERINE: "I didn't hear anything."

AUCTIONEER: "I HAVE fifty-lookin'-for-100, gimmie-100-dolla-bill, YEP, I have 100, lookin' for 200, 200, 200... if-it-walks-like-a-child-predator-and-quacks-like-a-child-predator-by-god-have-mercy-on-my....... SOLD for 200 dolla!!"

PEGGY: "Yeah, he just said something about child predators."

CATHERINE: "Oh, c'mon, Pegs! You're hearing stuff. He's talking really fast."

AUCTIONEER: "NEXT item-is-an-antique-oil-painting, let's START the-bidding-at-TWO-hundred-dolla, 200 to my left.... 250 YEP... have-you-ever-farted-in-a-jar-of-wheat-pennies?...YEP, SOLD for $250!"

PEGGY: "Okay. This guy is definitely weird. I don't feel comfortable here."

CATHERINE: "You have got to be kidding! He's just an auctioneer, Peggers!"

AUCTIONEER: "OK folks... movin'-right-along, and by the way I'm-not-just-an-auctioneer-i'm-something-much-kinkier-and-juicier-- WHAT-A-MY-bid on this antique coffee table your-dead-mother-sucks-cocks-in-hell-- 20 dolla HERE, 20 dolla THERE, YEP, winning-bidder-let's-me-sniff-his-socks-for-THIRty-seconds, YEP! do-I-hear-20 dolla?!"

PEGGY: "I'm going to wait in the car."

CATHERINE: "20 dolla!"

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