LETTERS TO THE COW - PART 1

Dear Buttercow,

Lately money has been a little tight. Me and the wife and kids have adjusted our lives to save a few bucks here and there (we buy the cheap beans and we cut our own hair) but it still seems like we're barely treading water. How do you keep up with the escalating cost of living?

Doug Kloikus
Westington, VA

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Dear Doug,

There comes a point in every man's life when he must choose between paying child support, and buying a new trampoline for himself and absolutely nobody else.

For instance, my old trampoline is "okay," but the vinyl tarp that covers the springs is getting faded from all the sunshine. I live on a tropical island, so there is plenty of sunshine and obviously I don't want it discoloring my tarp. Another good thing about the island? Everything. And I have a large mansion near the beach and I have eight cars.

I bought this place a couple years ago when I discovered how much money I could save by not paying child support for my three children, each from a different impoverished Hispanic mother. I also stopped paying for food and other products which I can easily take from stores instead of exchaning currency for them. Why more people don't do this, I have no idea. It works well.

If you want to save BIG money... invest in a race horse. That sounds crazy, but I went to a race last week and afterwards the winning jockey was celebrating and drinking champagne under a gazebo covered with flowers, and through all the flash photography and commotion, I simply took his unattended horse by the reigns and casually walked away with her. Her name was Pockets. We had a brief moment, and then I sold her for several thousand dollars. This is free money, Doug.

Anyway... A couple local kids have expressed interest in obtaining my old trampoline when the new one comes, but I'm going to have it taken apart and destroyed. I know a guy who can take the metal parts and fold them over and over and over again, and then melt them so they can't be bent back into shape. I didn't make my money by giving away trampolines.

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