THE GIRL AND THE SNAKE

A young girl began to descend a Tibetan hill after fetching a pail of sawdust for her morbidly obese brother Chad. She suddenly encountered a rattlesnake.

"Please," said the snake, "I am injured. Will you carry me to the bottom of this hill?"

"But you're a snake," replied the girl. "You'll bite me."

"No I wont," insisted the snake, "I give you my word."

The girl reluctantly picked up the snake with just her nails and proceeded down the hill, keeping him at arms-length. The snake kept saying, "Are we there yet? Hey lady? Hey Lady? Hey Lady? Hey Lady? Answer me.. Answer me... Answer me..."

The girl got annoyed, but she didn't let it show. They finally reached the bottom of the hill.

"Well.... here we are," said the girl.

The snake quickly turned around and bit her on the neck.

"Why did you bite me?" asked the girl, "You promised you wouldn't."

"Yes," he replied, "But I'm a snake. That's what we do. Don't take it personally."

"I see," said the girl. "Well.... don't take this personally..."

She tied the snake in a sailor's knot and beat him against a jagged boulder repeatedly. Then she took the snake home and baked him in the oven for about one hour. Chad sat up in bed, sniffed the air, and asked about dinner. She dropped a pail of sawdust on his nightstand without diverting her attention from the cooling snake. When it was safe to touch, she threw the baked snake out the window and ran him over with a lawnmower. Then she collected the snake clippings and stuffed them in a burlap sack. She barfed into the sack and then she farted into it. Then she placed the sack of baked snake clippings, barf and farts on her driveway and shot it with a machine gun which her father used in Viet Nam to kill Asian civilians. Then she hijacked a school bus full of children and ran over the snake bag seven times. Then she took the bag onto the bus and dumped it all over the children and rubbed it into their eyes and hair. The children started crying until the bus was full of tears and puke and farts and snake guts, and everyone drown. But the bus was accidentally left in neutral, so it began to roll down a hill and it flew off a cliff and exploded into a retarded ball of fire.

The girl's spirit began to float up to heaven with all the little school children's spirits. She suddenly encountered the snake's spirit. The snake spirit said,

"Young girl spirit, will you please help me into heaven? I'm tired and I can't make this trip alone."

"How do I know you won't bite me?" asked the girl spirit.

"People would like you better if you weren't so naggy," replied the snake spirit as he proceeded on without her, randomly biting school children spirits along the way until he got into heaven, and then God promoted the snake to Jesus. And then Jesus bit God.

Home - Music - Prank Calls - Archives - Contact