I used to work at an office supply store and I hated it and I hated myself and I hated you. After a few months, me and a coworker got really lazy and started goofing off hardcore. We caught insects and ran them through
the industrial laminator. We disappeared for hours and hours and we burned free
software on the demo computers. We printed up hundreds of little
strips of paper with messages on them and secretly stuffed them in boxes throughout
the whole store. Imagine a swarm of little old ladies returning their new tape dispensers, clutching
dirty little notes and demanding to speak to the manager.
Unfortunately, we both quit before harvesting the evil fruit of our labor. But
I saved the labels.... so if you're a disgruntled retail employee, print them out, cut along the lines and.... well you get the idea.
|
"I
highly recommend this product."
-
Charles Manson
|
See
our ad in "Sex Change" magazine. |
May
cause white people to turn black. |
This
product was handled by people with contagious diseases. |
I'm
telling everybody that you struck an innocent child. |
This
product has been taste-tested. |
Congratulations!
You've
just won $10.00! Please see a sales associate to claim your winnings. |
See
you in hell. |
This
product sucks.
No wait…
you suck.
|
This
product is not guaranteed to function properly, or even remotely well
under normal circumstances. |
Congratulations!
You're
a douche bag.
|
If
ingested, punch throat continuously until retarded |
Hey,
where'd you get those glasses?
I
hate them.
|
Duplication
may occur upon contact with water. |
This
product is known to explode. |
This
coupon is valid for 1 free scrotum massage, you fucking idiot. |
See
our website for details on how you could have saved money by shopping
elsewhere. |
Consult
a physician for comprehensive information on why you should not have bought
this product. |
Yer
bref stink. |
Make
me some eggs. |
If this device malfunctions, blow your head off. |
Hey!!
You're that guy from those golf movies!! Dorf, right? |
You
will probably experience permanent deafness after you use this. |
Squirt
this in your face. |
This
product has movable parts that may be uncontrollable. |
Test
this product on the dog before giving it to children. |
Inspected
by:
Eat
a bag of shit.
|
Do
not use this product in common rooms found in most places. |
|
Company
and manufacturer will not be held responsible for anything. Ever. |
Do
not fondle this product. |
This
tag may not be relevant to your dyke mom. |
Consumption
of this tag is encouraged. |
This
product was recycled from filthy dog butts. |
Do
not use this product if you're fat.
And
you are.
|
If
painful symptoms persist, scorch face thoroughly and scrub genitals with wire
brush. |
If
this product fails, beat small children with a closed fist. |
Cancel
your credit cards if the silver film surrounding this product has been molested. |
Take
your top off. |
If
this product has been opened, you lose. |
Antidote
sold separately. |
Wipe with this. |
American
Wheelchair Association Approved |
Warranty
expires: 8 / 15 / 76 |
Rinse
eyes with gasoline for no reason.
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
|
Save
your receipt. You're gonna hate this product. |
This
sentence is printed on highly toxic paper.
Don't
touch it.
|
This product may
be returned within 50 years of purchase. |
Did
you pay for this? That's weird.... it should have been free.
Take it back.
|
Good
luck figuring out these instructions.
Dummy.
|
This product was made by nudists. |
Scratch
& Sniff |
This
product has been tested for defectiveness.
RESULTS: Defective.
|
NOW
HIRING!
Whores like you.
|
Fuck. You. |
This
product may cause your hands to smell like milk. |
Did
you hear something?
Yeah...
you're probably right... it's probably just me breaking into your house.
|
