BEACON TECHNOLOGIES

"Thank you for calling Beacon Technologies. My name is Terry Berry, how can I help you?"

"Hi Terry. I just recently bought your--"

"Terry Berry."

"Oh... Hi Terry Berry. I recently bought your Anti-Theft Vehicle Beacon and my car was stolen. The beacon is not working. I cannot track my vehicle. I want a refund."

"Certainly, sir. Simply mail the beacon back to us with the receipt and your money will be refunded within three business days."

"No, you don't understand. The beacon is in the car. The car was stolen."

"We can't issue a refund without the beacon, sir."

"This doesn't make a lot of sense. You're selling a product that doesn't work and refusing to issue a refund?"

"We never said the product worked, sir."

"What?"

"Where did you hear that? We sell security beacons. For vehicles."

"Yes, and one assumes that for $350, said beacon will work!"

"Is there anything else I can help you with?"

"No! This is bullshit!"

"Sir, please stay calm."

"Connect me to your manager!"

"My manager is at a pool party."

"Listen, if you don't give me my money back, I'm going to find out where you work and come down there and rip your lips off!"

"Well then I would just tuck my lips in like this-- muh, muh, muh.... Now-- if you do find the beacon, and the receipt for the beacon, please send them to our return department so that we can repackage it and resell it to some other guy."

"You're going to resell the broken beacon?!"

"Broken beacon?'"

"The beacon!"

"What?"

"You FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! "

"Sir, please stay calm."

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